Un-Proud

my mother chides me for not being patriotic
“my side of the family fought in The Civil War”
she says
“I checked the database in Gettysburg
there were seven Fiegels listed as soldiers
on the Northern side”
am I supposed to be proud that my distant relatives
participated in one of our nation’s bloodiest moments?

I remind her that my last name is not American,
but Croatian
and she takes it as a personal attack
I tell people I'm Croatian
because it doesn’t carry the weight
the anger, the resentment
of being American.

she sees the greatest country in the world
I see a corrupt oligarchy masquerading as democracy
she sees a land that was created as an asylum
I see a land that is now isolated due to its ignorance

I choke on the apple pie
as it hits the back of my throat
because the smell of smog
and capitali$m
has overwhelmed me