I lay on my side. Dan had his arm around my stomach and my head was on his knee. We were disinterestedly watching TV and he was playing with my hair.
"What do you want to do later?" He asked, breaking our silent conversation.
"I dunno," I replied, rolling over to look up at him. We were quiet and I knew that he wanted to kiss me because I wanted him to kiss me. He started to lean forward and I turned back to the movie we weren't watching. I felt his head slump down a little.
"Sorry…" he mumbled. "I just…."
"I know, don't bother. You know I know," I said, preventing him from repeating the words I didn't want to hear for the tenth time that day. I sat up, figuring that facing the TV wasn't going to lessen the desire. I met his eyes and I felt that feeling I knew all too well: the overwhelming urge to just grab his face and kiss him everywhere and never stop. His eyes fell to his hand, which had magically intertwined itself with mine. He let go of my hand and wrapped his arms around me, pulling my head towards his chest. I inhaled deeply as he exhaled.
"You can't tell me that you don't feel this tension," I murmured to his bicep, referring to my pounding heart and it's echo I could hear in Dan's chest.
"I'd be lying if I said no."
"You smell good." I murmured, hoping to take away the tension.
"You look really beautiful, and you're just making this impossible. You know that, right?"
I wanted to hit him. I wanted to jump up and scream if I'm making it impossible why can't you just cave in and go with your instincts and spare us a lot of tension and frustration?!? I just wanted to grab him and….
My wishes were interrupted by his pager going off. He released me and wiggled his pager out of his pocket. He looked at it.
"I bet I can guess who…" I said, my voice trailing off as I started to look for my shoes under the couch.
"She misses me." He said, reading his pager. "She wants me to call her later."
"And you will because you're such a wonderful, faithful boyfriend."
"Don't. Don't start, you know it's no use."
"Dan, I--"
"I like you, too. But I have a girlfriend, you know that."
"Yeah I know; you won't let me forget." I wanted to jump up and scream choose! Just choose because you can't have us both! But I didn't, because I was too scared he'd choose her and then where would I be? It was going to end eventually, once she got back. So on one side of the scale we have tense moments, cuddling and redundant arguments that would get us nowhere, and on the other end we have nothing. For all the pain and everything I was going through, I didn't want nothing.
"What are you doing?" Dan asked.
"Looking for my shoes." I said, stating the obvious.
"No shit, but why?"
"So I can leave so you can call her and look at her pictures and feel guilty and then call me and talk about how hard this is and how you can't do anything."
His eyes fell to the ground. I could tell that the gears in his head started to work. I started to say something but thought better of it and shut my mouth. I turned my back to him as I struggled to pull my shoes on without untying them. Dan's hand traced patterns lightly on my back. My eyelids fluttered shut and I allowed myself to enjoy it for a moment before I cleared my throat and made another attempt to leave. But before I could get off the couch I heard myself say dreamily: "I love your touch…"
"Then stay…" he pleaded.
"What's the point? Just give me one good reason why I should stay and I will." I said, facing him again.
"Because I enjoy your company and I don't want to be alone."
"Is that why this has been going on," I said motioning between him and myself "because you didn't want to be alone while she's away?"
"You know that's not true."
"Do I?" Dan just stared at me for a moment before letting his eyes drop again. He could never maintain eye contact with me, because he knew what we both wanted and the prolonged eye contact just encouraged it. I looked at the television. He reached out and touched my hair, letting it slide through his fingers. He then cupped my face in his hand and I instinctively raised my hand to hold his. I turned his palm away from my cheek and kissed it. When I returned my eyes to his face I saw he was watching me intently. His face was so close…
His lips were on mine almost instantly. They were gentle but I could feel the desperation behind them. It was a long kiss. He finally pulled away and I blurted out "Sorry."
"Don't be…" Dan murmured, his words hanging in the air. Our foreheads and noses were touching and we were looking down at our laps.
"I think this is where I leave and you beat yourself up."
"Can I call you later?"
"Will my answer influence you?"
"Huh?"
"If I say no, you're still gonna call."
"Good point." We were silent for a moment. I took up a fake interest with the tattered edges of my frayed jean cuffs. I stood up then, knowing that my exit was long overdue. Dan looked at me with pleading eyes and he watched me cross the room and move towards the door. I stepped back towards him and kissed him on the top of the head and let the door close behind me.
Once I got outside to my car I collapsed. I slumped down in the seat and I just let it all go. I screamed a couple of times, in the quiet seclusion of my car, but mostly I cried. I don't know why, but I cried. I was frustrated because I just wanted him so badly but I knew that he was elsewhere. I smashed my fist on the steering wheel and then yelped in pain. I cried because we finally kissed and…I don't know what it was. It certainly wasn't bad, but I guess I just built it up in my head and it wasn't all that I thought it was going to be. But I wasn't disappointed and I didn't know what to think. "Fucking emotions…" I murmured to my dashboard.
When I got home I called Delila, my cousin. She was twenty-two and living in Washington, DC. She knew all about the Dan Melodrama, and when I told her that we finally kissed, she just got very quiet.
"Are you happy?" She asked after her prolonged silence.
Instead of replying with an automatic "yes," I actually thought for a moment. "I cried." I said, hoping that would suffice as an answer.
"People cry for different reasons."
"I don't know why I cried. I just got out to my car and I cried."
"You left right after?"
"Pretty much, it was a mistake."
"Now you sound like Dan."
"Huh?"
"When he calls you, that's what he's gonna say. It has to be a mistake because he loves Caitlin, and you're just Lisa. You're not going to be able to be her, don't forget that."
"I'm starting to hate that name."
"Don't associate the name with your pain."
"How quotable."
"I try."
"I know." I sighed. Delila was quiet again. "I really don't know what to do, D. Tell me what to do."
"Don't be silly, Lisa. You know I can't do that. Do what your heart tells you and don't hold back. You know that's why you and Nick never worked out. Because you never said what you felt.
"Yeah I know. I just…." My voice trailed off.
"Don't dwell too much, Lis. You know that's your weakness. Don't obsess, don't dwell and be honest with him. You'll be fine, I promise. And you know my number if you're not."
"Thanks, D. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"You would find another best friend and move on."
I had to laugh.
After I hung up the phone I sat back and waited. I knew that Dan would be calling soon, once he got off the phone with Caitlin. Caitlin was spending the semester abroad in Spain and she demanded that they stay together, and Dan, being compliant, obeyed her. He spent way too much money on her; he called her every day. When the first phone bill came, his parents grounded him and he simply called her from his cell phone. When that bill came, they made him pay for all calls to her.
Dan was living something of a dream come true. He had always admired Caitlin from afar--she was Ms. Popularity and he was just the kid in the back of class. I think that's probably why he was so devoted to her. Granted, he thought it was love, but, honestly, what teenager today really knows what love is?
Dan and I had been on and off acquaintances; we smiled at each other in the halls and made mental commentaries on the bands displayed on each other's shirts. I knew his friends, and my friends remarked how much Dan looked like my old boyfriends. Yet it took six months of Caitlin dating Dan for me to finally hold a real conversation with him.
We were assigned a social studies project on the seventh day of school. Caitlin was off in Spain, and Dan was on the verge of tears. At first I thought it was utterly charming how upset he was over his girlfriend's absence; it quickly wore thin. It took five minutes of explaining Dan to Delila for her to comment, "He likes you, you know that right?" And as I started to refute it, she simply retorted, "and you like him back, don't you?"
I knew from the beginning I was attracted to him, and he made it blatantly clear that he had a girlfriend whom he loved very much.
Three weeks into school Dan called me.
"Where have you been? I've been calling you for two hours."
"I went out to dinner with friends, were we supposed to work on the project or something?" I said, thoroughly confused.
"No." He was silent for a moment. He cleared his throat and said, "I'm coming over."
"…OK…."
"OK, bye."
He came over and suggested we watch a movie he had rented. He sat at one end of the couch and I lay down with my head on his knee. I don't know why I did it, it just felt natural.
"What are you doing?" Dan asked, shocked.
"Sorry, is this too awkward?"
"Uh, no. It's OK," he said, placing his arm around my waist and on top of my arm. Our fingers intertwined themselves around each other.
Two and a half hours of my mind racing, trying to decide if I should do something else, Dan stood up to leave. I walked with him to the driveway where his car sat and hugged him. It was a long hug; I don't think either of us wanted to let go. I stood there, staring up at him, begging in my mind for him to kiss me.
"I'll call you when I get home?" His question was actually a statement.
"OK…" I trailed off, getting up on my tiptoes to kiss him. I was about an inch from his face when he pulled back and suddenly released me, causing me to stumble.
"You know I can't do that, I have a girlfriend."
"So? She's not here is she?" We were both silent as we exchanged a meaningful glance. "Sorry, I don't know why I said that."
"It's OK," he said after a pause. He then got into his car and drove off. I stood and watched until I could no longer see his taillights glow in the midnight blackness. I heard my phone ringing as I walked back up the path to my house and I raced inside to pick it up. It was Dan.
"What did you, speed home?" I asked jokingly.
"Yes," Dan said. The word hung between us for a few moments. Dan cleared his voice. "I think we need to talk."
We spent three hours on the phon. We spent those hours talking in circles about how much we liked each other and should be able to do something but we can't because Dan refused to cheat on his girlfriend. In the end we resolved to remain friends but we could cuddle, hold hands, etc, as if we were dating, just as long as there was no physicality to our relationship: no kissing, no fooling around.
I thought it would help. I remember thinking to myself as I hung up and got into bed, I give him a week of cuddling before we hook up. This won't last. I was so very, very wrong.
Our first phone call was towards the end of September. By the end of October, I was spending almost every day after school with him, as well as going out on the weekends with him, but we had not progressed beyond the cuddling stage. People at school were talking, and I had several girls come up to me and ask me if we were going out. I always shook my head no, and once they turned their backs, nodded. I told Dan of the increasing number of queries as to our relationship and he simply shut down; he didn't want to talk about it.
It was in mid November that we finally kissed. When Dan finally called me that night, he explained why he kissed me.
"I don't know, I just wasn't thinking clearly. I somehow thought if you kissed me it wouldn't be cheating and then I realized I was being stupid. Finally I just said 'kiss her, you asshole.' And the rest is history, I guess…" he trailed off.
From the middle of November until Christmas break, we fooled around on a few times. Yet every time, as soon as I got home my phone would ring, and Dan would be on the other end telling me it was such a huge mistake and that it was never going to happen again. At first I cried and protested; finally I stopped listening to him and just responded the way I know he wanted me to respond, knowing very well that it would happen again.
Caitlin started to get suspicious a few days after Dan and I first kissed. She wanted to know why he was always on the phone when she tried to call him. He said he was on the phone with his best friend, Mike. Caitlin didn't understand why he would be on the phone with Mike when he saw him every day in school and lived down the block from him. Dan didn't have an answer for that.
Dan had a big New Years Eve party. He invited a few people and a lot more than that showed up. He had a lot of alcohol floating around his house and took full advantage of it. We found a back room and kissed and fondled our way into the New Year. We fell asleep, half clothed, together in his bed. I must have slept through the phone ringing because the next thing I remember is Dan sitting with his head in his hands, cursing himself loudly. I turned over to face Dan. He told me what happened: Caitlin had called him, frantic, because she said a drunk driver had hit her and she had broken her leg. It was 4 a.m. our time and Dan had been awoken out of a slightly drunken slumber. He tried to comfort her but ended up blurting out Lisa instead of Caitlin. She started to scream obscenities at him and hung up the phone. Dan called back several times but she refused to pick up. I was only able to gape at him. I couldn't believe it. I knew of Caitlin's temper and that she would not let him get off the hook easily. I scrounged around on the floor for my shirt and kissed Dan on the forehead and left the room.
I called Delila later that morning.
"Wait, did you sleep with him?" She queried.
"No, we just fell asleep in the same bed."
"Promise?"
"D, why would I lie to you?"
"Point taken." She was silent after that and I could tell she was weighing the different aspects of what had been happening over the last three months. "I think you should call Mike, even though he doesn't know that you guys have been messing around. Get his take on it."
"Good idea, D."
I called Mike as soon as I hung up. I started to tell him what happened and he told me that Dan had already called him, frantic and not knowing what to do. Mike sighed heavily to me on the phone. "I think they're going to break up soon," he offered. At those simple words, my heart leaped and I temporarily lost my voice.
"Wh-why?" I managed
"Well, I dunno, it's just sometimes he's complained about her a bunch of times, and, I dunno, it's just the way I see him looking at you. He doesn't look at her like that." At this my heart started to dance. I was ecstatic.
I found myself saying, "I can't help but wonder if things would be different if Dan and I had been hooking up all this time."
"Without a doubt," Mike said immediately, "things would be very different."
After that, Dan called Caitlin more often and saw me a little less. We still messed around a bit, but I found myself stopping it, whereas before it was always Dan who stopped it. I don't know why I didn't let him continue kissing me, touching me. I felt like I had to stop it, for some unknown reason. Dan and I would spend hours at his house, not watching movies that were playing on the TV screen. I would return home and wait for his redundant and predictable phone call. I would then fall asleep amidst tears and daydreams where Caitlin would come home and Dan would realize that she was nothing but a controlling bitch and come running to my house where he'd sweep me off my feet and kiss me and beg my forgiveness and ask for me to be his girl. Things were more or less routine like that until the end of January, when Caitlin was due home.
Dan called me before he left to pick up Caitlin. "You know that whatever went on is over now, right?"
It was a stupid question. I could feel my tears coming so I simply mumbled my acknowledgement.
"I still love Caitlin, no matter what. You know that right?"
"Yeah."
"I'm going to miss you, though."
"Dan, I'm not going anywhere."
"I know, I'm still going to miss you." I didn't have an answer for that, so I was silent. "Are you going to miss me?"
"How can I miss someone I've already lost?" It was Dan's turn to be silent.
"I gotta go."
"Bye."
And as I hung up, I let myself cry--Dan did not come through as a knight in shining armor like I had dreamed; he was not going to leave his girlfriend for the girl who really loved him; ours was not a happy ending. Caitlin had her suspicions, Dan still loved her blindly, and I was left staring at a phone with tears running down my cheeks. Things were never going to be the same again.
