I never expected to feel this way.

It started off as a challenge,
something to pass the time
in a foreign country.
it exploded, happened, disappointed.
I remember wondering if that was it
what I had been vying for all week.

temptation, temptation, temptation

repetition of the same words
truthful and sharply cutting
holes in my soul
I began to answer as I knew you wanted me to
never meaning a thing.
I think you knew that
all along

things changed
with times and surroundings
my breath was still bated
waiting for magical words
as my heart turned over,
devising things unknown to me

they finally came, when I least expected them to
when I needed them the least.
my reaction betrayed my heart's secret
making me wonder why all the fuss
I had planned my reaction a thousand times over
yet I felt as unprepared as I did
that night in July.

my lucky night.

expectations were met
and my head swam with the possibilities
worse than ever before
it was then I began to suspect
yet before I could get far
I was cut down
like wheat before the sickle.
rejected, dejected, unwanted.

but I didn't give up hope

because of blind childish dreams
I cling tightly to
in the black of night
when I can oh so faintly smell you
and close my eyes to shut out tears
and imagine standing in your room
in your arms
before this all.

I never expected to feel this way.